Thursday, March 31, 2011

carrying on

you know how when youre a kid, and you want to show your friend something really really cool that you can do with an object, and they just will not give it to you...... you know that feeling??
and when they finally FINALLY give you the object (after youve gotten mad at them), you get all excited about it all over again, and show them with enthusiasm?
i was never like that. well, maybe i was, in my very young years, but i do not remember ever being that way. if my friend kept something away from me long enough for me to get upset about it, all will was demolished. after that level of upsettedness, i no longer wanted the toy, and i no longer wanted to show them the really cool thing.
im still like that.
when im telling a story, and im interrupted 38563420456 times, or if the one being told is not listening or pretending not to listen, or if they just do annoying things to spite me, i get upset. and i no longer want to tell my story. and this line, "noo, tell me. i wanna hear it. i really do, i want to. tell me." does not work. if you wanted to hear my story, you would have listened.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

100 words: music

got this idea from bag lady

The music that plays, and sends shivers up and down my spine. It makes my stomach tighten in the way that only utterly beautiful things or utterly sad things can. It causes my blood to flow more smoothly, and my hands go clammy, and my eyes want to water. Pulls on my heartstrings, makes my head swim. It’s heartwrenching; makes me want to find the artist, and tell them, sincerely, that everything will be alright. Maybe not yet, maybe not in the very near future, but soon, soon, everything will work itself out.
Now that,
that is truly beautiful music.

Monday, March 28, 2011


for a friend of mine

and life changes in an instant
in a fleeting moment
you just might find out
who you can trust
and who you cant
who your real friends are
and who they arent
and whether you will ever
be the same


you know how they say that shes smiling? i believe in was in The DaVinci Code, i read, a little girl looks at the painting and says, "her smile, it makes her look as if she knows something."
to me, it doesnt really look like shes smiling. maybe shes forcing a slight smile? i can imagine her teeth are clenched, and the smile is really just a tightening of the lips. it doesnt reach her eyes. oh, and her eyes. they look nearly vacant. like she maybe doesnt want to be where she is, and is imagining herself somewhere else. the curve of her mouth looks as though she might want to cry at any given moment. and the way her hands are, it may show grace or poise, or hurt? do you see what i mean? as though her left wrist hurts, or has something on it that she would rather you not see. so she rests her left hand on the armrest, and covers it with her right, gracefully. and then smiles to say "im fine."
and is it just me, or do her left fingers look like theyre clutching the edge of that armrest? like shes trying to hold onto something she cant possibly let go of..... and is she slouching? or just sloping her shoulders, to make it more visually pleasing?
or maybe i just read in too much?

Friday, March 25, 2011

am i a sucky friend?

life is so much less complicated, dramatic, chaotic
but so much more lonely, sad, and gray
as a hermit.

oh, to know which is the better...

i dont know what i do to make my friends feel this way
and i dont know how to fix it.
"i know you dont want me there"
"actions speak"
"i feel like its my fault."

what did i do???????
i dont mean to make them feel
they are some of the best people on the planet,
and i love them oh so much
and i always want to be around them, with them
laughing, telling stories, drinking tea,
making fun of each other.

i dont understand why they feel so unloved.
i dont try to ignore them,
or act like i dont care
or act like i dont want to be around them
it brings me to the inevitable question
am i a sucky friend?????????

Thursday, March 24, 2011


l a speedwing
has bestowed upon me,
the honor
of being an inspiration.
if thats not heartwarming, i dont know what is.
she wrote a something for me.
find it here

go speedwing!!!
<3 <3 <3

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


oh my. those are some gorgeous swords.
click here
but my shield is happiness.
its what i use to steer clear of all which is unneeded.
doesn’t it hurt? yep.
doesn’t it cut deep inside? oh yes.
shouldn’t i be crying, weeping, writhing in pain? i would think so.
then why am i still so happy? so cheerful, so chipper?
well. i say its because all the pain, sadness, negativity, it was stopped. stooped by the wall of joy i built around myself. i built it for this, you know. for protection. inside, i know it wont protect me forever, but itll shield me for the time being. happiness is invulnerability, and i could use a healthy dose of it. honestly, who wouldn’t like a dose of it? nothing hurts you, youre invincible. its like a dream come true. only its not. it is, sadly, short lived. the sorrow and pain build up over time, they become stronger, they gain intensity. and then, in a moment of vulnerability, they bust down my walls, break my sturdy, loving shield of happiness, and claim me.
that is, until more happy comes to my rescue.


from here
and then she climbed atop the huge, awning paper roll, whilst singing to herself a happy little tune. her older sister asked her what she was possibly doing, and she answered nonchalantly, "climbing, duh. im going to get to the top, and then walk on it, and make it unroll, and when its all unrolled, youll see my footsteps on it, and youll see where i was walking, and you can follow me all the way to the end."
the sister just rolled her eyes, breathed a sigh, and said, "footprints. not steps. and nobody will be able to follow you forever, because its just. a roll. of paper."
the four-year-old would not be swayed, however, and cheerfully kept on with her attempts to climb that great, circular, cylindrical thing.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

the weather, and other things

oh. my. goodness.
the weather was beautiful today.
and that, coming from me, is a lot.
(i dont use the world beautiful in everyday conversation. or really, in any conversation. i just dont use that adjective.....)
but it was, it really was.
i walked outside, and was greeted by the perfectness of the air.
warm, but not too hot, and the slightest breeze.
the sky........ oh my, the sky was so unbelievably blue.
so so so so so so so so blue, with zero clouds
not a cloud ANYWHERE (i would know. i actually looked for one.)
i was just like "wow. days like this certainly do not happen often."
if i liked cold water, even remotely,
it would be perfect pool weather.
seeing as i despise water thats cold,
it was perfect walking around weather.
and yet i did not walk around.
i slept till 2.
catching up on much needed sleep.
my deprived body loved it, but my brain had its own feelings.
i woke up with a tremendous, splitting headache.
its better now, but still hurts a little.
and then i had to work.
still, it was an amazing-weathered day.
if i didnt have to work, id probably have gone for a nice walk.
todays weather, i think, marks the end of winter.
no more cold days and freezing nights.
no more hoodie as a pj
no more 2 or 3 blankets to sleep under
no more pajama pants
no more sweaters/jackets
no more, no more, no more.
bring yourself on, spring.

i have decided.
i must go spring shopping.
invest in as many cute, flowy skirts as i can
spend spend spend on adorable sundresses.
sandals, maybe a hat? sunglasses?
so much to buy.
im slightly excited =)))

in other news, i FINALLY caught up with reading updated blogs.
maybe i follow a tad too many blogs?
nah, that cant be it.
maybe i dont read fast enough.. =P

Sunday, March 20, 2011


ANOTHER award????
gosh guys........ thanks.
=) =)
you guys make me smile =)

this one was from haze
thanks, haze.
umm.....rules...... uhhhhh.
one sec, i gots to go find them.
alrightyyyy...... 7 things, and 15 people.
FIFTEEN????? aaaggghhhh, killin me, killing me.

1. i had to go back to my other award posts, and reread them to make sure im giving out new facts =P silly me.
2. i love short little cars. (short in height). i want one soo bad. but i totally woldnt mind a mini cooper right now..
3. im a perfectionist in so many aspects, but my room is pretty messy a lot of the time
4. i had something i wanted to say about me, but i completely lost it =(
5. i always twist my hair into a bun if i know ill be driving with the windows down. else, itll become all tangled up, and i do not, under any circumstances, want that. it takes an hour to 2 hours to brush it out, depending on the severity of the tangles.
6. i love big poofy dresses, and i really really really want one.
7. i need to get ahold of myself =)

kay, thats all good and done.
now fifteen people.
 im trying, im trying.
l. a. speedwing
10 bitsy
11 yours truly
12 bag lady
13 bonnie
14 mamaface
15 brianne

wheeeeeeew. i got through it.
wow, that took a while.
next time, i hope i dont have to pick sooooo many people

Monday, March 14, 2011


Those flowers.
Those gorgeous flowers.
Pansies, are they? I think they might be. Maybe violets.
Viiiiiolet. I think I might name my daughter Violet. Or Violetta, just to make it unusual. I want her to be pale, very very pale, with eyes the color of violets, and hair the color of ebony. Perfect, luscious eyelashes, lips not too dark, or too pale. Defined lips, like her mother's. Chiseled cheekbones, also like her mothers. I wonder who's eyes she would have. Will they show the peace and longing and sadness and ecstasy like her mother's? Or will they be more like her father's? Perfectly sloped nose, not too small, but not big either; perhaps like her grandmother's, or her great-grandmother's. In my mind's eye, she looks just like a fairy, complete with wings, in her lavender tutu. Purple tights, black ballerina flats. She's still a bit young for pointe. Violet leotard, with three-fourth sleeves. Violet, like her name. She's three, maybe four, in this memory. She's so graceful, even at such a young age, posing with her feet in fifth position, her hands arced above her head. She sports a tiny, thin silver tiara, perfectly complimenting her black hair. Her hair is not twisted into a bun, here. Instead, it's down, framing her little face. You can see the barre behind her, but it's blurred, and her hands and back are reflected in the mirror. You can almost feel her personality, for her smile almost peeps through her lips, the happiness shines in her eyes and lights them up.
Oh theyre so purple, so amazingly stunningly purple.
They remind me of a place I haven’t been, a time that hasn’t  happened. A feeling that I haven’t felt, and at this point, im not sure if I that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
They make me think happier days and sadness and dreary skies and fluffy white clouds, all in one. The yellow, which is on the exact opposite side of purple in the color wheel, is a nice pop, maybe that’s what has me thinking opposites. The green is almost relaxing, but the purple wont let me relax, wont let me take my eyes away. They have me hypnotized, mesmerized.
I want a bouquet of those for my room. Preferably all over the room, but just here and there would be nice too. Why is purple such a breathtaking color? These petaly flowers make me love it all the more.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

i dont wanna hurt
i dont wanna hurt
i dont wanna hurt
i dont wanna hurt
i dont wanna hurt
i dont wanna hurt
i dont wanna hurt
i dont want to be hurt
i dont want to be hurt
i dont want to be hurt
i dont want to be hurt
i dont want to be hurt
i dont want to be hurt

you, as friends, should know that,
you should understand.

and yet you hurt me

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

and you say the sweetest things
and you say them in the cutest way
and you make my heart beat slightly faster
and you make my breath go slightly shallow
and you dont melt my heart,
but you get pretty close
and you make me smile
and you make me bashful
and you make my tummy all fluttery
and you make me feel like a little girl
and you make my mind cloudy for a minute

without speaking a word
without being anywhere near me

the written word has power
its like magic
but better

Monday, March 07, 2011

dear body

my feet hurt
my bones hurt
my lungs hurt
my organs hurt
my muscles hurt
dear body.
what did i do??

im sorry.
dont be mad at me, dont put me through this.
these pains are bearable, but they are not pleasant.
stop. i not like =/

my heart aches.
i make it a point to be the friendliest person i know.
well, because
because i know what  its like
i know what it feels like to be shunned
to be ignored
to be forgotten
and i dont like seeing it felt
therefore, im friends with everyone.

Friday, March 04, 2011

sat tur day si x

up. and down. andupanddownandupanddownandup and down.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

i dont know
i just dont know anymore.

i just........ do not know.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

"In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eyes can't see"

only too true

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

blue or Blue?

for my friend.

whenever your day starts to feel Blue,
look on the brighter side.
dont think about the color blue as an emotion
because that means sad or depressed.
think instead of what it means:
calmness, relaxation.
and relax.
and feel better.