Sunday, June 26, 2011

still counting

12 days remaining.
just 12 days.
i will be here again:

3 days in LA with my bff/archenemy cousin,
and eventually going to one of these:

i loove the purple.

being one of these:


Friday, June 24, 2011


she was once amazing. stunning. gorgeous. graceful. joyous.
she was a ray of sunshine, a light. wherever she went, happiness and radiance followed. it was like she generated positivity and then radiated it out. free of charge. to anyone and everyone.
she was very good with sympathy, however. if there was ever a moment that needed deep and utter sadness, she had it under control. she would be as melancholy as the rest, if not more so.
she was just so lovable. everyone she ever met loved her, and even those who hated her loved her because she had such a magnificent personality. she hated no one, and treated every being with the utmost respect and virtue.
those are the good memories; the ones we choose to remember.
oh, how we loved her.
and then the thing happened.
what exactly happened, no one knows. and if anyone does know, they wont tell.
all we know is that something did happen. something unutterable. something big. and bad.
you see, we could tell when something wasnt right. she was only human. in her carefree world of utter joy, she would have her bouts of sadness, too. every once in a while, she would even seem depressed. we all knew those bouts would pass, though, because of her eyes. they always shone, no matter what. some of us claimed that her eyes glowed, and its true, they really looked like it. but they would always shine, even in her dark days. when she was having a sad moment, or a sad week, it was her eyes that told us she'd be okay. the light was always there.
anyway, back to the thing.
one day, she went missing. no one knows where she went, or how. she just disappeared. a few days later, she was suddenly back as though nothing had happened. we were with her for two or three days after she reappeared, and she was still her typical, lovely self. except for one thing. she was unusually gloomy. just...very very very sad. even our silly jokes couldnt make her crack a smile, which wasnt normal. we were all very worried. and then one of us noticed what exactly was so peculiar about her. it was the eyes. her shimmery eyes. they were dull. no shine, no shimmer, no glow. just lifeless.
she was never the same after that.
small noises would make her jump. she cried easily, and often. she was always so so sad. nothing could make her laugh. she was wary and withdrawn. it was heartbreaking. we loved her all the same, though. we gave back the love she had shown to all of us before. every so often, we would manage to make her smile, and a glimmer of light would show up in her eyes. but it was always a sad smile, and never lasted longer than a few moments. those moments we cherished like nothing else, for they were proof that light once existed in her, and we had brought it back, even for a second.
shes doing alright now, though not the same as she once was. the thing, whatever it was, robbed her of her liveliness. robbed us of her. those eyes, they never did regain their original luster. 

she was once amazing. stunning. gorgeous. graceful. joyous.
oh, how we loved her.
then the thing happened.
and she was never the same.
we refuse to remember her negatively.

we miss her.
i miss her.

ive decided to keep it to myself, but i saw the shining eyes again. once. we were sitting by the lake, looking out, and talking. it was unbelievably tranquil. at one point, she looked over at me, said "its so peaceful" and smilingly sighed. a deep sigh, and a bedazzling smile. one that reached her eyes, just like old times. i had nearly stopped breathing.
i still have no clue what triggered it, but i havent seen her smile like that since.

oh, the photo? yes, thats her. i dont even remember if it was taken before or after the thing. i like to think before, because it helps retain my memory of her happy, bubbly self. i found it, actually. at some sale somewhere. it had caught my eye and i remember thinking that it reminded me of someone i know. when i picked it up, i realized that it was her. the mark says 1.99, but the man gave it to me for .50. worthless, he had said. just an old picture, of a pretty girl. nothing special. got at least a dozen more. maybe worthless to him. to me, that picture is worth half the world, possibly more.
i miss her.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


dandalily tagged me. so here i go.

the things in bold are what you have to include, and you must tag someone/some people & their blogs that you adore and link it back to me,
         I choose you:             

i think... i should get my feelings together
i thought... i had it all under control
i think... i might need to accept that dinner invitation

i thought... i was better at avoiding things
i think... i need to see the sun rise

i thought... that id feel better by now
i think... i should write more

i thought... id have close to forever
i think... about my future often
i thought... id be farther than i am

i think... i should
i thought id think of more thoughts but i already think too much

Monday, June 20, 2011


ive been given the sweetie award. from brianne.
shucks....... im flattered =))

so i have to answer some questions..

What's your favorite sweet thing to eat (or drink)?
peanut butter. slathered about an inch thick on a piece of lightly toasted toast.
with a dollop of homemade jam on top.
or fresh strawberries. yummmm.

Have you ever dreamed that Candyland was a real place? 
i never even played that game, so no =P

If there were a flavored brand of bubbles, what flavor would you get? 
ooh, thats difficult. i dont know. something sweet but tart.
maybe peach?

Have you ever been kicked out of a bakery for smelling everything?
no. you can get kicked out for that?? :o

What's your favorite kind of tea? 
hot kind.
raspberry. and peach.

Strawberry or Red Velvet? 
strawberry. i dont really like red velvet.
its waaaaaaaaaaaay too sweet for me =/

Have you ever poured a jar of sprinkles in your mouth? 
nope, not that i remember. thats kinda gross, actually.
i dont think sprinkles even taste like anything.

Admit it: you've eaten icing straight out of the jar, haven't you? 
once or twice. when it was chocolate icing.
other than that, i dont like jarred icing.
its (also) too sweet for me.

Have you ever drooled while watching a cooking show? 
nope, never. i did have oogly eyes, though. example:
some of that stuff looks sooo good!!!

and now i have to tag people??
come onnn!!!!
okay well i tag
heather (cuz she leaves me sweet comments)
poemsaboutpeas (for obvious pea reasons)
(cuz they also leave me comments,
sweet ones)
and haze (cuz shes a sweetie)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

bricks (2)

and then the idea hit me
like a brick wall


i once had a wall
that i built
for protection.
i built it meticulously
oh so carefully.
brick by brick, i built it
took me long enough
but it kept me safe
so i loved it enough.
i had it for a while
and all through that time,
it protected me
blocked me
guarded me.
then someone came along
and broke it down.
i still cant figure out
if they blew out a gap
or took it apart by bricks
important thing being
my wall no longer stood strong.
at first i didnt mind
they were very careful
and caring
but it didnt last forever
as i  thought it should.
inevitably, i was hurt
still dont know if it was
i suppose i hope it wasnt
for id love to be that
invincible girl once again.
im still working on rebuilding it
but i cant find the necessary tools to fix it
and im too scared to break it
all the way down
and start anew.

so here i am
with my broken wall
hurt and healing
but also smarter and stronger
and to the next person
who comes along:
watch out
i may be cracked
and slightly broken
but i dont crumble easily

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

ive always been slightly envious
of people who could find beautiful  shells
and could then find perfect a perfect use for them.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

ohhhh Lordy

my sinuses.
my poor sinuses.
tuesday. i was in choir, sucking away on spearmint mints. yummm. and singing. and then i realized that i was slightly difficult to sing. and to swallow. im not sure what i thought it was, but im positive that my initial reaction was something along the lines of "oh its nothing, itll pass." well. from there, it just progressed. to the worse end. i woke up wednesday with everything inside my head (from right under my nose, up) hurting. ugghhhh. not a great thing to awaken to, i promise. and then today, thursday, pretty much the same thing. it wasnt quiiite so bad, but i was very nasally-sounding all day. even now. and it kind of hurts a little to talk. and the top of my nose is clogged, and i feel like...... i dont even know. i just feel bleh.
if i come down with a fever in the next few days, i will not be the most surprised person that ever lived.
so to life, to my sinuses, to the change in air, to whatever else:

Monday, June 06, 2011


WANTED: Hair Carer.
need interesting, patient person to wash, condition, dry, and otherwise care for and brush 32in hair. will be needed bi-daily, sometimes daily. salary is negotiable. willing to pay with back rubs/massages. please apply in person. credentials highly preferred.
thank you.

Friday, June 03, 2011


i organized the pantry today.
well, i cant really claim that
because i did not actually finish.
but i got pretty far.
the only things i have left
are the mixing bowls,
the biiiiiiig containers,
the pots and pans,
and the empty glass jars.
we only have about a million.

funny thing, though.
i thoroughly enjoyed it.

maybe the fridge is next?


i just washed the dishes, so yay me.

may totally flew by with such vigor that its impressive, and even though i posted 10 times in may, i pretty much feel like i havent.
so now that june is upon me without any warning whatsoever, i will do a quick recap on how my lovely month of may went. complete with a few pictures.
i will skimp on many details, or else this post will be about 6 pages long, and i dont really want that =P
in one word, it was: fabulous.
i loved it.
i feel like i was all over the place, and ive been SO happy.
i think its safe to say it was my happiest month so far.

here is what happened, in snippets.
on the 14th and 15th, i was in jacksonville
a group of people from church (including Girlfriend) went there to do a passover play, and i accompanied them because i had  that day off. i got to wear hebrew-looking costumes, and hold palm tree leaves, and dance. it was such fun.
whilst in jacksonville, we met a most interesting group of guys, and we hit it off with them immediately. we talked and talked and talked, and then we had to go to our hotel and sleep. but the next day, we saw them again, and had them sit with us for lunch after church, and talked some more.
side note: a lady that went with us asked me if i knew the guys from somewhere. i told her no, id never seen them before in my life, and had just met them. she couldnt believe it.
we found out that they live in atlanta, and went to a purple church. a PURPLE church (purple=obsession color). i made plans immediately to visit as soon as time would allow. Girlfriend was all for it.
on the 15th, we said goodbye to our new friends, and promised that we would visit them. soon. (they wouldnt tell us so, but they didnt really believe that we would come). that night, we came home, and departed to our separate homes. both of us informed our parents of our atlanta plans with no hesitation. her parents were okay with it, my mother did not quite agree. the next 4 days were a huge hassle. convince mother to allow, make sure Girlfriend was still allowed, work out obstacles and such, and whatnot else. finally, FINALLY, on that friday night (the 20th) we were definitely able to go. we were ecstatic. i went to her house and helped her pack. her mother let us use their gps. she alone packed about 7 bags of stuff. i took her to my house to stay the night.

we were up by 5:30am, and we couldnt be more excited. mother helped us a bit with packing the car up, and pops tended to the car. made sure the oil was normal, and all that good stuff. we left right around 7:20 or 7:30, right into the rising sun. it was very pretty. we filled up the car, got ourselves on the road, and drove for a straight 3 hours. then we made our first stop, mostly because we really had to use the ladies room =P also, we took some pictures. see below.

then we were off again. around 10 or 11, we decided to stop for breakfast at waffle house. she has never been to waffle house before, WHAAAAAATTT!!!! anyway, we had our delicious breakfasts. i had a chocolate chip pecan waffle, she had a chocolate chip strawberry one. and a cup of coffee each. yum.

from there, we drove and drove and drove and drove and drove and drove and drove the last 3 or 4 hours all the way to atlanta, with one more stop. for gas. and some more pictures. hanging out on bridges and stuff.

 maybe i should mention that we told ONE of the guys that we were coming for sure. just one. and maybe i should also mention the fact that one of them was having a birthday party. and we were totally going to show up. without him knowing. so anyway, we got to the hotel, unpacked the car, packed the room (its so nice having a lovely brother already checked into a hotel, and its even nicer if the lovely brother kinda lets you TOTALLY CLAIM his room), changed, did our hair and makeup, and practically ran downstairs, because we were sooooo excited, and completely ready to shock the socks off a person we met a week ago by showing up at his birthday party. the receptionist took this picture:
im in the orange. Girlfriend is in the white.

we may as well have exploded, what with all the excitement going on inside of us. we almost got lost on the way to the house, but it was all fixed up with a quick phone call and person-given directions. we arrived to the house. said our hellos and hugs to the one guy who knew we were there. he pointed out the house to us, so we ran off. we didnt even know what to do. we were so nervous, and so excited, you cant even imagine. soooo we knocked on the door, and stood there. it was opened by one of the guys we met. us: "hello" him: blank stare. then, "WHAT!!???" we asked if we could come in, so he stepped aside, and we came in. and were greeted by 6 unbelieving stares in our direction. there was silence for about 15 straight seconds. birthday boy, who was not in immediate view of the door, saw that his friends were acting a bit peculiar, so he went to investigate. as he saw us, he also gave us the unbelieving look of OMGWOWICANTBELIEVETHIS!!! what he said: "wow!! are you guys serious????"
what i answered: "no, we're no, actually. this is actually all a big joke. we're not actually here or anything." my word, their faces. it was the best thing ever. the look of pure surprised disbelief was probably the greatest highlight of that trip. they all spent the next 5 minutes wrapping their heads around the fact that WE WERE THERE!! and then we talked a lot and laughed a lot, and they "wow"ed a lot. then there were more pictures. that is, in fact, birthday boy.
then there was more talking and laughing, and games and lots of fun stuff. we went home that night feeling very very tired and very drained.

the next day, we went to the beloved purple church, and i was not very disappointed in all the purpleness. but alas, shame on me, i did not take picture of it =/
we also visited a hibachi grill, which was very interesting. our cook threw eggs at us and expected us to catch them. with our teeth. we also went swimming, fully clothed. neither of us had available swimsuits, so we improvised, and used the guys clothes. also very interesting. and we made a spontaneous choice to stay till tuesday instead of the originally planned monday. later that night, we visited a houseful of guys (think 8 guys living in one house) and cooked for them. borsch, a russian/ukrainian soup was our treat.
went home that night exhausted.
the next day (monday), we had to check out of our hotel. sad =(
the saddest part about it was that we were officially homeless for the night, until we found a definite place to stay. =D
that day, we visited the guy house again, stocked their fridge, cleaned their garage, organized their pantry, and went shopping. then we came back, and cooked for them again. this time it was chicken alfredo. i had no idea i could cook that deliciously. it was so good. we all ate, and then went to a bible study, and found a place to stay the night.
the next day, tuesday, we basically did nothing. woke up, ate, sat around, talked. i had met birthday boys cousin at the party, and he wanted to learn russian, so i was teaching him an array of words. then we went shopping one last time, and i acquired for myself................... a mustache shirt. oh yes.
i think its very sexy.
and under the stache, it says "INCOGNITO"
we then went home, packed the car, said our goodbyes, and left. to the guy house. 3 or 4 of them were actually home, so we said our goodbyes, passed hugs all around, and finally left. the drive home was much much longer than the drive there. maybe it just seemed way longer.
but anyway, it was definitely the weekend of a lifetime.
then, this past weekend (27, 28, 29th) (3 days after coming home from atlanta), i was at camp. church camp. it was great fun. i helped in the kitchen again, and had a great time. a cook from last year was there again, and he recognized me, and remembered me. and spent a lot of time poking fun at me. and just plain yelling at me (in a joking matter, though, so it was okay). "dont you have some dishes to wash?" "those dishes aren't gonna wash themselves, you know" "you BROKE my dishwasher!!!" "dont you have hair to maintain or something?" have i ever mentioned that my hair is long? well, i dont think its very long, but its not short. and people kept asking how i manage to take care of it. in case youre wondering, the answer is: with lots of patience.
i made a best friend (actually, i met a very cool kid, and he was very very cool, and he referred to me as his best friend, soo), and ALL i know about him is that his name is jason. thats it. i even forgot to ask where hes from. =( what a forgetful pea. ah, well. things like that do happen. i did have a wonderful time, though. it was fantastic. oh, and on the way home from camp, we stopped somewhere and had delicious sushi. it was sooooooooo good. yum.
and in the month of may, i must have given at least 15 spontaneous massages. haha, i suppose word gets around that i dont mind giving them, so people say "hey, you wanna give me a massage?" and so i say sure and go along about it. ive been told that i give very good ones, but i dont know. i guess i have to take their word for it.

and that was my may in a nutshell.
or a cap.

oh, one more thing.
i made strawberry jam today.
its so delicious.
come over for tea.
ill let you take a wild guess at who
will have a very hard time
ingesting storebought jam
from now on.

Thursday, June 02, 2011


its a little early, but.....

i was young; at one point.