you dont understand

do you have any idea what its like to have a girl's heart? not in the romantic way, where you "steal her heart" and then you "have it." in the actual way, where a girly heart beats inside of you. do you have any idea what its like to be this emotional? do you have any idea what its like to have my heart? to be as emotional as i am. to be as insanely, ridiculously, unbelievably happy as i am. do you? i think not. let me tell you a little bit about myself. i am almost always happy, yes? even i see that, and i dont see a lot about my own self. when i am not happy, do you know what i am? i am very sad. theres not much in between my extreme happiness and sadness. they are just polar opposites, flip sides of a coin. i can have one, i can have the other, but i cant have both, or really, anything in between. do you know why i am so happy all the time? because, what else is there to be? i really only have 2 choices, and being sad sucks, so i save it until theres a lot built up and then let it all out at one time. happiness, though. happiness lasts. its multiplied so easily. and its usually just so much easier to be.
do you know why im so happy even when i should be sad? sadness hurts. emotion is painful. thats just how it is. im not too big on pain. so, in theory, im not too big on sad either. sadness is also a question magnet. when you have gloomy look about you, people feel it is their responsibility to ask "oh my. are you alright? you look down. is everything ok? what can i do to help?" when really, you, i mean i, just dont want to talk to anyone, i want to be alone with my thoughts and gloom. when im disarmingly happy, no one comes up to me saying "my my, what are you so happy about? do tell. i want to share in your happiness." nope.  doesnt happen. happiness hides sadness, you know. sometimes, it overpowers, but mostly, it hides. like cover-up.
you think you understand.
but really, you have no idea.