c'est la vie

apparently i lied

i told you there would always

be a space for you

inside my heart

i guess i lied

there is no space here

there is no you-shaped spot

not here

there is nothing

here

not for you

you dont exist

you are nothing

if you were to reach out

i would say

im sorry, whos this?

and you would tell me

and I would say

im sorry, i know no one by that name

you must have me confused

with someone else

and you would

you would have me confused

because who i was

is not who i am

so just don't contact

this is it

this is the last you get

on metaphorical paper

savor it

or dont

i had a time

being part of your social experiment

but you can write your conclusion

::people heal

they move on

they reflect

and they hope you get

what you deserve

i suppose i lied

but actually i didnt

i told the absolute truth

i just didnt realize then

this WAS the truth

i guess i didnt lie

i only misspoke

what was I saying?

who about?

ah, such is this life

update

im trying (and failing) to start a new blog.
i feel as though i need to move on from this one
its served me well, and i wont get rid of it
and im sure i will still check in occasionally
but i no longer need the outlet it provided.

and so im trying to start a new one
a more "grown up" one if you will.
its not that i cant set it up,
its more that im at a loss of what to write about.
i have plenty of ideas
just that none of them seem quite right.

ill keep trying,
and ill figure it out.

"chronicles" quote. unquote.

 ive been doing well, even with my disappearance
since i was last here,
i moved (three? four? times)
i got a car
i totaled the car
(a semi truck laying sideways
across the lanes on the freeway
we hit a guardrail that it had dismembered
we were ok, the car not so much)
i lived by myself (ish) for a year
i was hired to a job i love
i went through TWO MORE Official Winters
i got married (january. as in, 5 months ago)

not an exhaustive list, definitely not all inclusive.
but those are the big things.

im not inspired as often anymore,
but im okay with that, because
i know i often found inspiration
in sadness and pain.
melancholy and the like.
which means
i am very content with my current life.
im happy.




so much for Chronicles of my life.

try

trying and trying
getting somewhere
not fast, but getting there.

patience
is a virtue,
and a very necessary one

love

i love where i am, and what i am doing.
but my love is a constantly changing thing,
and i am itching. itching for else.
something else
somewhere else
how else
what else
else

but why does my life need to have
all the twists and turns,
why is it so hard?
you're a storyteller,
and think.
if life were a breeze and
all your decisions easy...
there wouldn't be much of a story to tell
would there?

wants

i want to come back.
to here.
i might.
i will make an effort.
soon.

magpie

in an old house in Paris that was covered in vines
lived twelve little girls............ no wait. no. nonono.
that was thirty years ago, at least.
why does it still sound so.. so clear?
still remember the girls. the loud one, what was her name.. maggie
little sylvie looks just like her, with the pout and the bunny.
bye mama
bye girls
they won't be gone forever,
only a few weeks
bye mama!
*chuckle*
bye sweetie
seems like forever. always does. always has.
love you mama 
see you soon mother
don't forget us, mother
yes, ma. you're so prone to it
ha. if only i forgot you girls
i would sooner die
we know, ma
you know we're only teasing
living in this house for over thirty years
she was a schoolgirl in this house. a teenager. an adult.
she took over this house, when no one else would
she took the girls in, when no one else would.
love you, girls
they don't say it out loud. no one ever dares.
everyone knows, though.
the world did not want them. nobody needed them.
there was a reason they all grew up here. they knew.
she took them in.
she wanted them
she fed them, raised them.
thanks for everything, mother.
really. everything.
thank you mama
love you mama!
no one speaks of it.
they've got each other, they need no one else.

these are the seventh group
she knows they will be alright.
they're tough. they are fighters.
they are survivors.
my girls.

what do you do when you dont know what to do?

what should one do when one doesnt know what to do?
how is one to know what one wants when one has no idea?
where does one turn when turning is not an option?

im not sure what i want,
but i know for sure what i dont want
i know how to get what i dont want,
but no idea how to get what i want
i dont do that which will give me what i dont want,
but i cant to that which will give me what i want
i think i know what i need
and im fairly sure i know what i dont need
at least i know how to get what i need

but the fact is..... i want so much
i want to do it all.
and time is running out
and ive not the time for it all

edit: this photo reminded me of a story we had to read in college

it was called "the yellow wallpaper" or something and

the narrator basically went insane because of the wallpaper and loneliness.

magpie

The Not Yellow Wallpaper

these walls are covered

not with yellow wallpaper

this paper does not set

my skin to crawling

i may look a bit insane

but how can i help it

being trapped

with that yellow paper

for oh so long

these walls

this paper

this carpet

this hallway

they are not vomit yellow

they do not evoke

disturbing memories of

the dry and faded

old and tattered

yellow wallpaper

this paper here

takes me another time

another place

my nannas home

so full of flowers always

flowers in the garden

flowers line the path

flowers on the porch and

flowers on the doorstep

flower in the foyer

flowers on the sill

flowers on the window

flowers just outside the window

flowers in a pot or

flowers in a vase

knitted flowers on the wall

flowers in a painting

flowers on a book

flowers all over the tablecloth

flowers on the placemats

flowers on the carpet

flowers on the rugs

flowers on the bedside

flowers on the mattress

flowers on her pillowcases

flowers on the coverlet

flowers on the bedsheets

flowers on her nightdress

flowers on mine

flowers on her clothes

flowers in her thinning hair

flowers in my child hair

flowers in her hands

flowers at her feet

flowers surrounding her

flowers on the casket

flowers beside

flower wreaths

flower meadows

flower rain

flowers

flowers

i may look a little crazy

but i just miss my flower nanna

on a visit

5/17/14

i see their world. they dont try to hide it. everywhere is teeming with them. they flaunt what they have, minimize what they dont. of course i see them, how can i not. i'm different. i know i am; they know it too. i am not like them, as much as they are not like me. but every once in a while, occasionally, now and then. i wish --i almost wish-- i could join them, be part of their world. do what they do, and say what they say. be like them... be one of them. it doesnt work, i've tried. i cant be one of them. i simply dont belong. my world and their world are much too different. they just dont coincide. i suppose i'm better off the way i am. like me, and not like them. like in my world. not theirs.

lessness

magpie

here

in her dreams

weightless

defying gravity

the winds

gentle breeze

carrying

outsmarting physics

leaves flow

she floats

one with frond

suspended

reverse gravity

hanging

a thread

not weightless

in the arms of invisible

somebody

heart stutters

buoyant

beat quickens

supernatant

this is a dream

eyes open

featherlight
sun rays

is this a dream

weightless

i will always come back,
no matter how long it takes.

ive attempted to purge my reading list
i follow very many blogs
my "settings" button will not work
many of the old ones i followed exist no longer

ive become older, more thoughtful
maybe a little bit wiser?
i miss you

living in the southernmost state
so close to the ocean
has its perks.

im in love with the sea.

the constant chaos

brings my thoughts to peace

puts my mind at ease

remember that, will you?

and when youve said everything.
when every single thing you have ever wanted to say
has finally been said and uttered and spoken and spat
when your reservoir of vocabulary has been spent
when it has been cleaned out and every word has been used
when there is not a single word left inside
when there is not even a thought of a word



that is when.
THAT is when you will realize
you will finally realize that i was waiting
ive been waiting, all this time, for you
for you to say everything you wanted to say.
and to say it to me. by yourself. without my help.

and youll know.
that i knew.
(even though you thought i didnt)

and youll be sure.
that i loved you.
(even if you werent sure i did)

and youll understand.
that i understood.
(even though you were convinced i couldnt)



i didnt choose to love you.
and none of your faults
none of your scars and imperfections
cracks and tears and bruises
patches, glued and taped up pieces
NONE OF THEM
can make me love you less.

my place

and im back
i came back.
i always come back.
this is my place,
the part of the universe where
i am just that sweet pea girl
and where i can openly
express myself.
and the beings who see it
will equal more than just me.

i was thinking.
how this world is so cruel
so so so unfair.
and yet
we are required to respect it.
and we still love it
and i still hope
that someday, somehow
something will be fair.
again.

i dont know
when ill be back
but i always am
i always come back.
<.3

lovehate

how you do this is baffling.

i talk to you, i dont talk to you.

i havent talked to you in almost a year.

you saw me, surprised me.

i talked to you. for quite long.

i let you know my situation.

you UNDERSTOOD.

we talked.

it was nice.

i really enjoy conversing with you.

but

you still give me butterflies

how you do this....is baffling.

2013

happy new year, people.
when i get around to it,
i shall make some kind of list
and post it here.
till then, i might post something else.
maybe not.

i love you all =)

if

if you werent you. you just wouldnt be, well, YOU

a little off

forgive me if im distant lately
i cant help it, though.
ive so much on my mind
but i cant share it with any
so it just sits on my brain
hangs out and marinates
and takes up much of my thoughts

im sorry im not as talkative as usual
if i look like im not listening
if i act like i dont care.

do  wait, please.
please have patience
dont give up on me.
dont walk away.
do not leave me.
i'll come back; i always do
it just takes a bit of time, is all.

i apologize for being somewhere
and not here