what do you do when you dont know what to do?

what should one do when one doesnt know what to do?
how is one to know what one wants when one has no idea?
where does one turn when turning is not an option?

im not sure what i want,
but i know for sure what i dont want
i know how to get what i dont want,
but no idea how to get what i want
i dont do that which will give me what i dont want,
but i cant to that which will give me what i want
i think i know what i need
and im fairly sure i know what i dont need
at least i know how to get what i need

but the fact is..... i want so much
i want to do it all.
and time is running out
and ive not the time for it all

edit: this photo reminded me of a story we had to read in college

it was called "the yellow wallpaper" or something and

the narrator basically went insane because of the wallpaper and loneliness.

magpie

The Not Yellow Wallpaper

these walls are covered

not with yellow wallpaper

this paper does not set

my skin to crawling

i may look a bit insane

but how can i help it

being trapped

with that yellow paper

for oh so long

these walls

this paper

this carpet

this hallway

they are not vomit yellow

they do not evoke

disturbing memories of

the dry and faded

old and tattered

yellow wallpaper

this paper here

takes me another time

another place

my nannas home

so full of flowers always

flowers in the garden

flowers line the path

flowers on the porch and

flowers on the doorstep

flower in the foyer

flowers on the sill

flowers on the window

flowers just outside the window

flowers in a pot or

flowers in a vase

knitted flowers on the wall

flowers in a painting

flowers on a book

flowers all over the tablecloth

flowers on the placemats

flowers on the carpet

flowers on the rugs

flowers on the bedside

flowers on the mattress

flowers on her pillowcases

flowers on the coverlet

flowers on the bedsheets

flowers on her nightdress

flowers on mine

flowers on her clothes

flowers in her thinning hair

flowers in my child hair

flowers in her hands

flowers at her feet

flowers surrounding her

flowers on the casket

flowers beside

flower wreaths

flower meadows

flower rain

flowers

flowers

i may look a little crazy

but i just miss my flower nanna

on a visit

5/17/14

i see their world. they dont try to hide it. everywhere is teeming with them. they flaunt what they have, minimize what they dont. of course i see them, how can i not. i'm different. i know i am; they know it too. i am not like them, as much as they are not like me. but every once in a while, occasionally, now and then. i wish --i almost wish-- i could join them, be part of their world. do what they do, and say what they say. be like them... be one of them. it doesnt work, i've tried. i cant be one of them. i simply dont belong. my world and their world are much too different. they just dont coincide. i suppose i'm better off the way i am. like me, and not like them. like in my world. not theirs.

lessness

magpie

here

in her dreams

weightless

defying gravity

the winds

gentle breeze

carrying

outsmarting physics

leaves flow

she floats

one with frond

suspended

reverse gravity

hanging

a thread

not weightless

in the arms of invisible

somebody

heart stutters

buoyant

beat quickens

supernatant

this is a dream

eyes open

featherlight
sun rays

is this a dream

weightless

i will always come back,
no matter how long it takes.

ive attempted to purge my reading list
i follow very many blogs
my "settings" button will not work
many of the old ones i followed exist no longer

ive become older, more thoughtful
maybe a little bit wiser?
i miss you

living in the southernmost state
so close to the ocean
has its perks.

im in love with the sea.

the constant chaos

brings my thoughts to peace

puts my mind at ease

remember that, will you?

and when youve said everything.
when every single thing you have ever wanted to say
has finally been said and uttered and spoken and spat
when your reservoir of vocabulary has been spent
when it has been cleaned out and every word has been used
when there is not a single word left inside
when there is not even a thought of a word



that is when.
THAT is when you will realize
you will finally realize that i was waiting
ive been waiting, all this time, for you
for you to say everything you wanted to say.
and to say it to me. by yourself. without my help.

and youll know.
that i knew.
(even though you thought i didnt)

and youll be sure.
that i loved you.
(even if you werent sure i did)

and youll understand.
that i understood.
(even though you were convinced i couldnt)



i didnt choose to love you.
and none of your faults
none of your scars and imperfections
cracks and tears and bruises
patches, glued and taped up pieces
NONE OF THEM
can make me love you less.