and we party all night

(or most of it anyway)




my sister
and "girlfriend"
and "wife"
threw me a surprise birthday party.
=) =)

dream on

i wish time slowed down when i slept.
maybe then id be able to actually feel like ive slept
for more than fifteen seconds.


sweet slumbering to all.

conversation

the other night.


brother: sweet pea, you know everyone likes you?
me: what do you mean?
brother: like, everyone likes you. thats what i mean
me: *blank stare*
brother: like, no one dislikes you. everyone thinks youre cool.
me: really???
brother: yeah really. i was talking to a bunch of people today, and all of them were like 'sweet pea? oh yeah. she's cool.'
me: no, seriously?
brother: yeah im serious. a lot of people dont really like your friends, though. you know that?
me: yes i know. and i know why.
brother: 'but sweet pea? shes cool'
me: i honestly never knew that.


interesting.

your fault. not mine.

let me set one thing straight.
if you do not watch your step
if you do not keep track of where youre falling
if you do not stop
if you do not get the hint soon,
i will be the cause of heartbreak.
i know it will be "break" because youve told me.
youve told me that you are emotional.
emotional people are easily hurt
i would know.


stop.
stop it.
stop trying to please me.
stop trying to hold my attention.
stop trying.
stop.
the feelings are not mutual.
please take the hint.
stop ignoring it.
i do not want to be a breaker.
but i will
if i must.

you dont understand

do you have any idea what its like to have a girl's heart? not in the romantic way, where you "steal her heart" and then you "have it." in the actual way, where a girly heart beats inside of you. do you have any idea what its like to be this emotional? do you have any idea what its like to have my heart? to be as emotional as i am. to be as insanely, ridiculously, unbelievably happy as i am. do you? i think not. let me tell you a little bit about myself. i am almost always happy, yes? even i see that, and i dont see a lot about my own self. when i am not happy, do you know what i am? i am very sad. theres not much in between my extreme happiness and sadness. they are just polar opposites, flip sides of a coin. i can have one, i can have the other, but i cant have both, or really, anything in between. do you know why i am so happy all the time? because, what else is there to be? i really only have 2 choices, and being sad sucks, so i save it until theres a lot built up and then let it all out at one time. happiness, though. happiness lasts. its multiplied so easily. and its usually just so much easier to be.
do you know why im so happy even when i should be sad? sadness hurts. emotion is painful. thats just how it is. im not too big on pain. so, in theory, im not too big on sad either. sadness is also a question magnet. when you have gloomy look about you, people feel it is their responsibility to ask "oh my. are you alright? you look down. is everything ok? what can i do to help?" when really, you, i mean i, just dont want to talk to anyone, i want to be alone with my thoughts and gloom. when im disarmingly happy, no one comes up to me saying "my my, what are you so happy about? do tell. i want to share in your happiness." nope.  doesnt happen. happiness hides sadness, you know. sometimes, it overpowers, but mostly, it hides. like cover-up.
you think you understand.
but really, you have no idea.

wellll.........

this is my SECOND post as a nineteen-year-old

the FIRST is the one before this one.

my birthday weekend was very good, thank you.

actually, it might have been almost fantastic.

i spent it in jacksonville, FL

i got wished a "Happy Birthday!!!!"

at least 120 times.

at least 40 of those were from one person.

<3 <3 <3

the highlight of my weekend was probably this guy:

tell me he's not totally awesome??

wait, you cant!!!

he IS totally awesome!!!!!!!!

(thats me peeking over his head)

remember my guy valentine?????

yeah well.

well

well

well

well

well

well

well

well

well

well

well

HE GOT ME THAT TEDDY BEAR!!!!!!!!!

you should have seen my face.

i said "*GGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSPPPP!!!!!!!!* ARE YOU FOR REAL??!?!?! THATS FOR ME????!?!?!!!!! OOOOHHHHHHHMYGOODNESSGRACIOUS!!!!!"

I WAS PRETTY DARN EXCITED =)

i accepted it as a valentines-birthday gift, because theyre only a few days apart as it is.

also, he gave me a mirror.

a yoyo and hoops mirror

they are the cutest little guys ever.

ill be back later (as soon as i can manage)

to let you in on MORE stuff =D

saturday

the day dread and anticipation clash