if

if you werent you. you just wouldnt be, well, YOU

a little off

forgive me if im distant lately
i cant help it, though.
ive so much on my mind
but i cant share it with any
so it just sits on my brain
hangs out and marinates
and takes up much of my thoughts

im sorry im not as talkative as usual
if i look like im not listening
if i act like i dont care.

do  wait, please.
please have patience
dont give up on me.
dont walk away.
do not leave me.
i'll come back; i always do
it just takes a bit of time, is all.

i apologize for being somewhere
and not here

but sometimes,
theres this tiny ray of hope

and it sits in your heart
lighting it up, ever so softly

and making things okay.

why

why does everything have to cost money

why does life have to be so difficult

why does everything have to suck

why do i think too much

why cant i do anything i want

why do i feel like i cant do anything right

why
why
why

why?

written

i feel like writing misses me.
like words miss me.
but im a bit scared to come back to them

what if i can no longer
find the right words
to write the things
that i mean??

it would break my heart

questioning

why is it that bitterness can affect someone under 50?
or older, for that matter.

why is it that you can have an old soul
and a young heart at the same time?

why is it that resentment builds up?

why is it that numbing your thoughts
is easier than distracting them?

why is it that love can hurt
even when its not there?

now

i can feel myself changing.

im not sure if im liking the changes

theyre different;

not me

im lost, scared, and confused.

i find negative feelings inside,

and i know not how to deal with them.

i dont know how to rid myself of them.

i do not know what im

supposed to feel.

and i think im feeling too much.

you probably havent heard yet,
but. i wanted to let you know.

i still love you, but
you dont have my heart anymore.
i took it back.
well, not really.
i sort of took it back.
but i gave it to the One being
who already owns it.

its in God's hands now,
and He is in full control
and He will do with it as He sees fit.

i just wanted you to know.

home sweet home

it is so nice to be home.
america, ive missed you.

so.

i thank you so much for your prayers
and your support.
my big decision is made.
i am coming home
in the first days of september.

tell the truth,
im actually kind of excited
to come home.
and im even beginning
to sorta miss everyone.

i am happy.
i really am.
ill be sad to go.
i love you all.

........

i have been neglecting you.

and i deeply apologize.

im so caught up with everything here

that i forget.

and i dont have much time,

and even less internet

(at least when i need it..)

im sorry.

ill come back.

i just dont know when.

oh, but some news.

i found my soul sister.

literally, like my twin.

when she talks about herself,

she may as well be

describing me.

ive known her for two months

and i love her so much.

im so happy we were able to meet.

i have a huge decision to make

in the next few days.

please keep me in your prayers.

i love you.

living

ukraine has really grown on me

and is still growing on me.

ive already considered living here

it seems like life is harder.

but

its so much more simple.

and who wouldnt want that?

stay well,

love you all.

the 411

it is day 7 here in ukraine.

i feel as though im in a dream. still.

but it hasnt been very difficult to get used to.

only thing is, i dont really have

unlimited internet access =P

and i usually dont walk this much.

but ive been having a lovely time,

even though the surroundings are entirely new.

teehee.

i am keeping well, but do keep me in your prayers.

thank you so much

<3

decisions.

6 days till graduation.
11 days until we leave. overseas. indefinitely.
cue nervous, dramatic music.
i am excited though.


i was told that whatever clothes i take,
ill end up leaving 90% of it there.
so i decided.
ill take everything,
and then just rebuild my whole wardrobe
when i get back home.
wont be easy, but i think
itl be worth it.
exciiiittttiiiiiiing.




my missionary group
please drop by if you have a moment.
i would very much appreciate it.

right now

my heart is sad
and a little bit lonely
and im not sure what to do

yellow means happy

i made me cry today.
not really really cry,
just a few streaming tears.
i read something
i had once written.


its almost difficult
to believe, imagine
that i was once filled
with such emotion.


i thought i had lost it
i thought the wall had
been built up again
but i was wrong.
thankfully.




i am so so homesick
more than ever.
and yet
still
i do not have a home.
i have nowhere i can
truly call home.
nowhere.
i feel like a nomad,
homeless,
forgotten,
unneeded


by anyone.


i have so many questions for God.
but i know that if its not for me to know,
He will not answer me.
so i will wait.
i will wait on Him.
my timing is not His timing.
i will ask for patience,
and i will wait patiently.




.my heart hurts.

glass

mag

"sometimes i feel as if i am being watched"

he reads

"sitting in transparent glass,

free for all

to analyze and scrutinize.

like a butterfly in a glass jar

or a goldfish in its bowl

like a tadpole in a clear pond,

or an insect in a flask.

or maybe like a firefly

captured for its light"

'hmm.' he thinks

'sometimes.

somehow,

at times, i feel that way too.'

"sometimes i feel as if i am being watched"

he reads

newsflash

today, i realized why i like being in new/unfamiliar places.

if people dont talk to me,

or i feel left out,

i know its probably because

im a stranger, and they dont know me.

but when im not talked to

and am left out

in a place where i know everyone,

its a bit......

downcasting.

=(

at the moment,

im terrified to go on the trip.

keep me in your prayers.

<3

ps. i hate the new blogger layout.

missions

so um.
missionary trip.
with a group.
to ukraine.
in a little town-almost-city.
for 3-6 months.
excited?
yes.
nervous?
oh yes.


i just need a passport.


but the Lord will take care of me =)

as for here..

slowly, slowly.
they stop including me in things
and forgetting about me.
no the first time, but i still cant help but wonder
.........why??

im okay.
still having a lovely time here at bible school.
but the going gets tough sometimes.
especially at the times when somethings up
and i no have any one to talk to

makes me miss my sister.
i dont tell her everything,
but at least i know she's there
at least i know she'll listen.

i get homesick sometimes
which is funny,
because "home" no longer feels like home.
neither does here.
i dont know where home is.
i have no home =/
...
Heaven is home.

perhaps i shall become a nomad.
live nowhere and everywhere for a while.


ha. that'll be the day.



im having mixed feelings about june.
i want this to end, so i can see where life leads me,
but i so want it not to come to an end
i love it here so much, and all the people.
people i met 3 months ago
and now consider family.
i feel as though im in a different world.

sigh...
God will take care of His own.

take me back

i wrote this a few years ago
when i was going through a difficult time
and felt like i was drifting away.
funny how it can still apply sometimes
even after all this time


oh dear mighty God i pray
hear my pleading heart today
for i must tell you something, Lord
and it cannot be ignored


if You'll listen, i will start
i will say whats in my heart
i won't hide a single thing
from Your ear, my holy King


here i go, i'll tell you now
i'm sure i won't be shunned
they say that You're a God who listens
and that You cannot be stunned


i no longer feel Your love
and it's the worst i've ever been
like falling in a deep dark pit
or something of the kin


i feel abandoned and alone
not seeing the light that always shone
the one that always showed me through
and brought me ever closer to You


it would always light my way
make the night as bright as day
it was always there beside me
all my life i'd let it guide me


now it's gone, i don't know where
and now i'm left alone, and scared
and i feel like no one ever dared
to tell me that they might have cared


my God, my Lord, i must confess
that i'm consumed with loneliness
i would really like some company
i would really like to be set free


i want to turn around again
i want to feel Your love again
i want to sing for You again
i want to live for You again


i know my faith is not the best
i know i've failed many tests
but You know, Lord, that i do try
i do my best to just get by


i always fall, i always stumble
i sometimes cry, and often crumble
alone, i can't live one day through
inside, i know that i need You


and now that it's all said and done,
i've admitted that i'm weak
perhaps i'll try just one more time
if You'll hear me speak


i ask forgiveness for my actions
the bad, the wrong, and the unjust
for all the times that i have broken
one's, or else another's, trust


for all the sins that i've committed
against Your laws and ways
and things i'd never have admitted
even in my darkest days


for everything i've said and done
down to the smallest deed
i want them all to disappear
and i want You to take the lead


so now i ask You from my heart
if i can go back to the start
if i can have another chance
another try to live this dance


i know i don't deserve it
but You're a God of grace
show me mercy, oh my Savior
shine Your light upon my face


i'm just so tired of it all
being used, abused, made to fall
i'm sick of being broken; cracked
i'm sorry Lord, please take me back.


(c)

a few things

a  list of a few things i really really REALLY want to do this year.

•  finish bible school
  .preferably with an A
• learn to hear God's voice
  .and to listen to and obey it
• go on the Missionary trip
  . i want to go to Africa soo bad <3
  please pray!!!!
• take the second semester of bible school
  .i kinda wish i was made of money.
• move here
• get back to school and work

goals are a good thing..... right?

smbs, missions, et al

i've been at bible school for 2 months now. it certainly does not feel like it. i feel like i only just got here, and at the same time, it feels like i've been here for a year. i truly am loving it, however, and i am learning soo much. i'm also doing a lot, and it's so busy that i hardly have time to miss anyone or anything.
i'm sure God is using, and will continue to use this experience to help me grow in my relationship with Him, and in my preparation to be a missionary. do pray for me, though, that i may learn and grow. please pray for the summer mission as well, so that God will provide the finances, and put me in the right team to go to the right city in Africa (!!), Ukraine, Russia, or somewhere else. thank you all soo much.

tell me yours, ill tell you mine

i dont think its right to trade secrets
i feel secrets are something
you share with whom you wish
when you wish
if you so wish.




or not.

Valentines Day

this is how mine went:

very very very very different from last years.

the girls completely ignored the guys on monday.
i slept for about an hour and a half because i was preparing for the day, so i was thinking id be running on straight caffeine all day. forgot to make coffee, and had to go tutoring and then straight to school, so no coffee. sad face =(
then i got to school, walked in, and as i was standing there rummaging through my binder for something, i was approached with "sweetpea? this is for you" and was presented A VENTI STARBUCKS CUP!!!!! it was like a dream come true, since i was thinking about coffee all morning and didnt manage to get it.
theeeeen, as part of the girls, and our conspiracy, i secretly gave stuff to the guys (or just one guy (; ) all day long. he loved all his stuff. he was one happy guy. teeheehee. then we (all girls) sang for them in the middle of class. the guys seemed so happy, and it looked like they felt very loved, appreciated, and special. hopefully, we made up fpr monday.

THEN the guys passed out starbucks, chocolates, and roses to all the girls. and then sang for us. my my my, i was very impressed. oh, and they were all dressed sooooo nice.

very seriously, every week brings me more and more reasons to fall in love with bible school again and again and again, and i thank the Lord im here. i love it. i truly think we all really really enjoyed our touesday the fourteenth of february very much, despite the fact that a lot of us are single.

so my valentines day was simply magnificent. how was yours??

tags.

vizzy tagged me
7 random things, tag pepes.

1) i do not like saying "random" things about myself. i like specific questions.


2) my teddy bear and cow were thrown away by a meaniehead guy =( i now sleep with a blue sheep named moe, whom i won at a party.


3) i do not shop online. im not entirely sure why. maybe its because i need specifics.


4) i enjoy people watching. very much.


5) i think about tattoos all the time, even though i highly doubt ill ever get one.


6) im falling in love with my new home, and the people im beginning to accept as family. its strange.


7) i love taking long walks. i need to do it more often.




now people.
i tag:
rain
speedwing
jinksy

updated

i love it here
i love my new home
i love my new family
sure, we dont always get along
but isnt that the beauty of a family?
you dont have to like each other.
you only have to love each other.
i love the classes
even though they can get boring
i love the activities,
even though theyre exhausting.
i am waaaay out of my comfort zone
a lot of the time
and yet i love it.


...
ive been doing so well
not even thinking of you
remembering you only once in a while
and even then for only a minute or two.
but then
theres a kid who sits around me
and he smells really good
but he smells like you
and you dont know
he doesnt know
cant possibly have a clue
what that does.
i sit in class, and i breathe the air
and the smell of you,
i mean him,
fills my nostrils
which fills my mind
with nostalgic memories
a few things that i had forgotten
even existed in my memories.
i have something to tell you,
and something to ask you
and i hope you take no offense.
you have a piece of my heart
quite a large piece, actually
and you took it, and you have it.
im gonna need that back, please.
you see, you need to understand
i will let you go.
i may not forget you, ever,
but my heart will stop reminiscing you.
i long to talk to you at times,
but i think we've made it clear
even without saying anything.
this silence between us
is companionable.
and im ok with it.
you dont rule my life,
God does.
and you dont have my heart anymore.
God does.
He owns it
...


i love my new family,
my support group,
my holder uppers.
my companions.
they will help me.
ill get over you.
completely.

.

pretty girls intimidate me.
and gorgeous guys fluster me.


i hardly know what to do
=/

new home

it feels like i havent been here in forever.

wow, magpies photo fits so well with what i was going to say.

kinda funny. but pretty cool.

mag

ever since friday

this is my new home, school, life.

biiiig city. one of the biggest in the country, actually.

i have not yet been downtown.

im sure there will be many statues,

ill see plenty billboards.

lots of tall buildings and such.

its exciting, but has not yet fully registered

that im actually living here.

not just visiting.

i wonder when it will fully hit.